On writing this post, only a few moments ago I got off the phone with a Manitoba Vital Statistics agent. My whole family had big plans to go to Grand Forks, ND for my mother’s birthday this year. It was decided by all my siblings that the last week of August would work best and so all the way back in May we got our applications for new passports in as well as filed for a birth certificate for our new baby girl. Every agent we talked to at that time assured us that while they were very busy and that it could take up to 13 weeks to receive our documents, our applications would be processed in more than enough time to depart end of August.

What I don’t remember them telling us at that time though, is that if there were a need for additional information to complete the processing of those documents, it would be on us to find that out without their contacting us first to let us know that we needed to contact them. As such, I went about the past 13 weeks blissfully assuming everything was alright, only contacting them today at the beginning of week 14 to make sure things were still moving along. Alas, after having to remind myself a number of times that the service rep I was talking to wasn’t to blame for my inconvenience and so I should watch what I said accordingly, I found out there was a need for additional info to complete the birth certificate that we would need to enter the US for our family holiday.

Now, making a hard pivot toward trying to see a silver lining in this situation, I do wonder how often we each do a similar sort of thing in our own relationships. How often do we find ourselves in need of something from someone close to us (be it for them to do something for us, say something to us, give something to us, etc.), to which we simply expect that they will provide that thing, unprompted by us? Then when we do not get what we require, how often is it that we come to assume that they are not providing us with what we need because they are actively choosing not to?

I suspect all of us have done exactly this from time to time, which is a little ridiculous of us if we think about it. Each of us lives in our own little world, our interests focuses and needs guided by what goes on in our minds and the events we live through daily, and the life we have lived up to that point. For someone to always know what we need without our say so, they would have to be us right down to having lived through the smallest of our past experiences; an impossibility. So while those we are close to may know us well enough to at least guess at what our needs are some of the time without our say so, to expect them to be able to anticipate all our desires accurately all of the time is simply preposterous. No person, no matter how well or how long we have known them can read our minds, yet by getting angry that they do not see our needs without our expressly saying what they are, is that not what we are demanding they do?

I suspect we have all done this exact thing to someone else during our lives. At least I know I have. I suspect for many of us, we are doing this exact thing to someone right now. It is a foolish problem on our part, but one we keep falling into all the same because when we feel our needs are not being met, it is surprising just how easy it becomes to lash out even if a part of us knows that we are the ones being ridiculous. But if there ever was a solution to this problem, I think it would be for both parties involved to take an active approach in their communication with one another.

To you who are expecting something and yet do not seem to be receiving it, before you come to assume that it is being withheld from you out of active spite, best make sure to clarify with the other person that they know what you need. Everyone, even couples married for decades living in the same house, is different, sees different things, hear different things, lives and experiences different things, and so what is obvious to us may not be to someone else for a host of reasons we would never think to think of. Just waiting for someone to be a mind reader until we are lividly angry at them is not a good way to go through life, and certainly is not a recipe for a healthy relationship. But know you can both address this problem as well as save yourself a tonne of headaches just by talking to the people you need things from about what you require. By making a policy of simply saying, “I need this from you by this time.”

And to the person who is oblivious to the needs placed upon them without being consulted, I would give this advice instead. If you are in a close relationship with someone, you will likely do well for yourself to periodically ask them if there is anything they need from you. If that feels stilted, my suggestion would be that for those closest to you, make sure to carve out some amount of time periodically to simply talk. Shoot the breeze. This kind of conversation tends to be a great place for these unspoken needs to be addressed. It is not that blame should fall on you for not being a mind reader, or that anger against you is justified if you don’t ask what is needed from others before they volunteer that information themselves, but instead, if you are in a relationship with someone, their wellbeing is a concern of yours and so the best way to keep things in top shape is to just be proactive about it. That you will find out these unspoken needs is just the icing on the cake of it all.

Currently, the request for information for the birth certificate is on its way to me, likely by regular mail, but hopefully by some faster means. I am told that once I send off what is required, the birth certificate will possibly be up to another 13 weeks before arrival. I was really looking forward to this trip. My sister and her family who live in Minnesota are going to be there, and we have not seen them since before the pandemic. I feel my annoyance with vital stats on this point is justified, but for myself maybe I could save a headache in the future by remembering to check in from time to time in advance. As is the case with all of us, I suppose I am in a relationship with my provincial government as well, a relationship that could do with a little bit of proactive maintenance, for my own mental wellbeing if nothing else.