Dealing With Relationship Issues
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Hello all. Today I want to continue on in the same vein as last week, by providing some practical information to help you in this time of social distancing on Monday while leaving the intense Biblical reflection to Thursday’s post. Unlike last week, where the advice specifically had to do with preventing contracting the virus, this week has more to do with one of the more unexpected fall outs of it: relationship communication issues.
From conversations I have been having with other churches during this time, a trend has become clear among the area pastors. There is a strong correlation between the households most impacted by the effects of COVID-19 and social distancing, and the households with the most strained relationships. While in the past the area ministers had fielded calls from couples or family members who simply were unable to see eye-to-eye maybe once or so a month, since the lockdown began these calls have become much more frequent for all of us.
Now, before we go any further, I do want to make clear that I am not a counsellor. I find one of the great issues with many articles you will find on the internet is that writers often attempt to answer questions they are not qualified to answer with their own thoughts on the matter (which would certainly be the situation if I tried to pretend to be an expert on relationship counselling). Luckily for all of us though, I am friends with someone who is, and I made sure to run everything I am about to say by for her seal of approval. Beyond that, if what I am about to propose sounds familiar to anyone, it is because It is largely drawn from the CORE Communication curriculum, which I was fortunate enough to receive some training on in seminary. I found it helpful myself, so I hope you will as well.
Finally, before we begin, I want to set out who this article is for. The information and process you will find outlined below are meant for people who have a reoccurring issue that they cannot seem to move past. What the CORE Communication curriculum is mostly about is learning how to fully explore and talk about relationship issues of any kind (couples issues, between a parent and child, siblings, friends etc.) in a way that enables actions to be taken to address the problem. If, however, there are long-standing and toxic relational issues that are now being exacerbated because of the lockdown, or if things have gotten to the point in your relationship that it could be described as abusive, then seen below for other resources as what I am about to describe will not be of much help to you.
And so with that all laid out, let’s talk about how to become the kind of communicators that can tackle the issues that plague our relationships.
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”
How to Tackle Relationship Issues Together
When it comes to encouraging healthy communication between two people, its fair to say the best place to begin is by admitting to yourself something that may be painful to say out loud. You can’t read other people’s minds. While that may seem like an obvious statement, you would find it surprising just how often this very thing is the root of relationship issues.
Have you ever had someone give you a look you simply knew had to be hostile, so you spent the rest of the night avoiding them? Have you ever said something to someone, only to find they took it in a way that was a million miles away from how you meant it, so you needed to fight tooth and nail to convince them you didn’t mean that at all? Well, both of these examples are caused by the same issue. One party assuming they could read the other’s mind, only to find themselves coming up short of the truth.
This same issue, assuming instead of knowing, is the root of many problems that we find reoccurring between us and the ones we love. Think of one big fight you have had over and over again with someone you care about, and I can almost guarantee you that at some point this exact problem has reared its head. The feeling of talking, but the other person never listening. The feeling of trying to explain what is making you upset, but never actually feeling any clarity yourself.
Thankfully, this is an issue we can address. And what’s more, we can address it in two steps. First by learning how to talk about an issue, and then by learning how to listen.
Step 1 - Learning How to Talk Out An Issue
If you find yourself angry with someone about something you have been angry with them about before, how do you go about expressing that with them? Do you find yourself starting with something snippy before just unloading on them, bringing in all sorts of things long past that are only tangentially related, before ending the fight as a weeping mess in the other room? While that description may sound like I’m making a joke, it’s actually relatively common, especially in relationships that don’t have much of a history of conflict who suddenly find themselves pushed to a boiling point (such as what has become common with families used to being apart from one another due to work and school, suddenly finding themselves in self-isolation together). Is it a healthy way to argue? Not at all, but if it describes your relationship, know both that you are not alone, and more importantly, that there is a better way that you can work toward.
Next time you are feeling yourself getting worked up with someone you care about over an issue that has come up time and time again, instead of what you have been doing, I want you to try the following:
Before things get too heated, I want you to ask this person that you care about, in as polite and kind a way as you can muster, to do the following for you. To simply be quiet and to listen until you are done speaking. Make it clear to them that as they are listening to you, what you need from them is not for them to try to justify their actions (you can tell them you will let them do that later), but instead simply to listen to what you have to say. If they need to ask clarifying questions or repeat what you are saying in order that you know they are understanding you that is fine, but simply wait until you are done talking. Make it known you need them to hear you out. And then once you have made that known, here is how I want you to explain your problem to them.
I want you to begin by describing the issue as you see it. Use a lot of “I” statements here. Things like, “As I see it,” or “I am having this problem.” You want to stay away from making “you” statements to the best of your ability here. Not because your problem with the other person is not legitimate, but instead simply because the goal here is to convey to the other person what is in your mind so they don’t have to assume.
Next, I want you to move on to talk about what your thoughts and then feelings are about the issue that is causing you both so much grief. Often we people have an awkward relationship with feelings when it comes to conflict. We think of feelings as untrustworthy, and so we try to stay entirely in the realm of rational thought. But that is not how human minds work. We were created by God to be feeling creatures as well as thinking ones and so to not address both these aspects of who we are is leaving a huge part of a conflict unattended. This is a surefire recipe to ensure the problem comes up again, and again. If you do a good job at step one and two, you will have explained to the other person what the issue is you are having with them in a way they can repeat back to you, as well as why it is such a big deal to you.
Next, and only now, it is time to move on to talking about current and past actions that are causing this issue. Here, the key is to be specific. This is not the time to bring up “that one time you did that thing that made me angry,” but instead, stick to specific instances the person is likely to remember that they can use as an example of the action they took that you have issue with. Often this step is the trickiest and the most prone to devolving into a full out argument, so be mindful of that. Do not talk spitefully. Do not talk confrontationally. This is about relaying facts only. Likely here you will need to remind the other person that you need them to stay quiet as this is often when self-justifications are offered. That time is yet to come. The entire picture needs to be painted before it can be addressed.
Next comes the actionable steps. Don’t rush to this point before you have fully fleshed out the three steps leading here, or else you won’t have developed much of a base to build a lasting solution on. When it comes to actionable steps, there are two parts to remember. The first is to talk about desired outcomes. If things turn out how you want them to, how will things look different for you? How will they look different for the other person? Very possibly any issue that warrants this level of depth to resolve has already begun to impact others as well. What do you want for them? It is important to answer these questions, because without spending time thinking about desired outcomes, how will you know what to work toward?
And finally, once all this is done, comes the most important point. Suggesting what can be done next to get to those desired outcomes. The key here is to be as actionable and as specific as possible. Statements like “I don’t want you to say bad things about me,” is not nearly specific enough to be actionable. Likely the person doesn’t even know they are doing anything wrong until you tell them! So instead try something like, “when you say something that upsets me, I will point it out calmly at that moment, and then you can respond.” That is concise, and something that can be identified and worked on.
And here, after all this effort, has finally come the time for a response. How should they respond? Well, ideally by going through these same steps, only from their own perspective looking at the same issue, and then back and forth until there is an actionable plan in place to deal with the issue.
A final note before you give this a try, the purpose of this process is not to establish who is right or wrong when it comes to an issue. It may feel like that, but you need to stay away from thinking in those terms. What it is instead, is a structured way to identify, flesh out, address, and hopefully move past any issue that is causing your repeating relationship strife.
More often than not, thinking in terms of who is the victim and who is the perpetrator when it comes to relationship issues is more likely to grow issues rather than address them. Remember that you care for this other person, and you want what is best for them. As such addressing and moving past your issues should always be more important than assigning blame.
Working through your problems with someone is not about pitting yourself against them; it is about working together toward a stronger relationship. If you both come at this process with that in mind, you will very likely, with enough effort, get to where you want to go.
But before we get there, there is one important aspect of working on relationship communication left to tackle:
Step 2 - Learning How to Listen
While listening to someone may seem simple enough, it can actually be surprisingly wrought with peril if you go into it with the wrong understanding of what listening is. Contrary to what many of us think, sitting quietly while someone else talks at us, is actually a terrible way to listen effectively. How often has the following happened to you? Someone is talking and says something that you don’t understand, but so as not to interrupt them, you tell yourself you will ask them later, only to forget your question in a few moments.
This is a common problem for all people when it comes to effective listening and a major problem to overcome if your goal is to address a recurring issue you have with someone you care about. It is a problem because if you are unclear as to what someone means, more often than not, your mind will fill in those details without you realizing it, which as we saw before, is one of the most common causes of interpersonal problems to begin with!
So instead, when listening to someone express an issue they are having, I encourage you to instead listen to them actively by doing the following:
First and foremost, view the purpose of your listening as helping to facilitate the person you are listening to. Through your listening, you are trying to help them explain their understanding of their issue to you as fully as possible. Do not rebut them. Do not try to justify yourself. Instead, ask always for more clarity.
Connected to this first point, seek to listen attentively. Make sure the person you are listening to knows you are listening to them. If the person is clearly frustrated about something, maybe say, “that must have been frustrating”. If the person stalls in their explanations, ask them for more detail. Summarize what you understand them to be saying often to make sure you are clear. Do this and you will be reassuring them that they are being heard, which will help them flesh out the issue further.
Only once the other person has fully worked through the problem should you begin to ask non-detail related questions or make statements of your own. Even then, the goal should still be to as fully as possible flesh out the issue. The goal of listening is not to build a case for yourself, but to instead get both you and the other person to the point where you feel comfortable making an actionable plan.
If need be, after the person you are listening to is done talking, switch places with them. Have them actively listen to you while you talk out the issue yourself. All the while remembering what we have said before. The goal of this process is not to be against each other but to fully identify an issue so that it can be addressed together in order to strengthen your relationship.
Final Thoughts
While undoubtedly this will all seem like overkill just to address an issue in your relationship with someone (and chances are most of the time it will be), nevertheless I hope it can serve as a useful template for how to effectively move through a recurring relational issue with someone. Even if you don’t sit down with the other person, draw up this article and go through the points individually, it is still a structured and thought out in such a way to ensure all parts of an issue are fully exposed and addressed, and so I have found it has value for that reason alone.
I have said it before, and I will say it one last time. The goal of working through an issue with someone is not to pit one person against the other, but instead simply to identify an issue and work through it to strengthen your relationship. Start with that as your goal, and you will be surprised just how much you can move past.
And of course, as Christians, we believe in the power of prayer. While sometimes prayer will seem like the last thing you want to do for someone while you are fighting with them, that is without a doubt the most important time to remember it. Praying for someone not only reminds you that you care for them, but it also brings something that is undoubtedly a big deal in your heart before the Lord for him to help. Something we are told time and again through scripture is what we should always seek to do.
But finally, as I mentioned before, if you are in a relationship where either party has moved past the point where you hope for a good outcome with the other, this process will likely not be of much value to you as it requires a certain amount of buy-in by both parties to be truly effective. However, have hope that with some work, things can get better for both of you. Relationship counsellors all over the province are even now accepting new clients by distance. If you don’t think you have a good enough internet connection for that to be an option, let me know and I can get you set up in the church with complete confidentiality. If you think money is a barrier, which these days is quite an understandable possibility, again let me know, there are funds in place for exactly that.
And to end, if you are in a situation in your home that has become abusive, the time to work on your relationship is not now. You need to remove yourself and any other vulnerable people in your household from the threat immediately. It is terrifying, especially now, but you can do it. The government of Manitoba has some good resources on this front which you can find by clicking here. Also know I am always available to talk and help as I can.
