Toot Toot

The other day I blew some steam.

I'm an opinionated person but I'm not the most opinionated person I know by a long shot. Birds of a feather flock together, apparently. One day last week I listened to someone I know go on and on about a topic that's important to us both. I think the only thing we agree on is that the topic is important. After that, we disagree completely. The things he believes are the best, most faithful, important things to do are the same things I believe are the worst, least faithful, most important things to avoid.

Sometimes it's fun to spar and argue to test a case or as an exercise in exploring possibilities. It's good to stay in shape mentally just like we do physically. Sometimes we learn from people we disagree with. But sometimes a disagreement gets under your feathers, the tone changes, and it's not a fun game anymore. The tone had definitely changed in this conversation. He was shouting and stomping around angry. I felt angry that he couldn't see what to me seems like obvious conclusions even with the evidence laid out in front of him. Each of us thinks that the other one is hurting both themselves and those around them.

Neither of us wanted to completely lose our tempers in public. These days there are several topics that people vehemently disagree about and no shortage of advice from all sides to state your case calmly and clearly in a consistent way over time without berating the other person or breaking relationships unnecessarily. People rarely change their minds as a result of being yelled at. So, sometimes it's best to swallow a few times, count to ten or twenty, and do something else until heads are cooler.

Time and space to cool down is often a good idea but sometimes one unintended result is that emotional pressure or even physical adrenaline builds up and has nowhere to go when the people who disagree pull back. Our culture, especially in churches, can be restrained in a way that leads to squishing pressure or other strong emotions down out of sight because we don't know what to do with them or how to let the pressure out in appropriate ways.

That's what had happened to me. The other person and I saw that things were escalating so we stopped arguing, went on to other topics, and left it. If you had asked me ten minutes later how I was feeling I would have said I was feeling great. But, a day or two afterwards, in a completely different group of people, the same topic came up again and I completely lost it. This time it was me who was shouting and yelling. I used some language that was spicier than it needed to be and certainly not appropriate for the situation. This time it was me who went on and on while others soaked it up and me who had to apologize afterwards for my choice of words and tone.

Sometimes stuff happens and you roll with it. In fact, I think that's often the case and in many ways, it's very good. I'm thankful to live in a world in which things matter and our responses are important. It's good when there are a variety of opinions even when we disagree about the range of options before us or when tempers flare. I'm thankful that the first person and I decided to pull back before we came to blows or outright insults. The people I spoke to later are in general agreement on this topic so I was blowing steam, not trying to bulldoze them as the first person and I had been earlier. Blowing steam does release pressure and I certainly felt more at ease afterwards than I had before. It made me think about the first person and how similar my later response was to his earlier one. That made me feel a bit more common ground with him although we still disagree. So, in many ways, I'm glad to have blown some steam and I would recommend that we each do it regularly as needed.

However, I skipped one important step. I didn't check with the people first to see if they were ready for it. That seems like a little detail but it's a big one. The first person and I pulled back when it seemed like things might get inappropriate so evidently, both of us are adults and capable of controlling ourselves as needed even when emotions start to run high. He and I gave each other the courtesy of recognizing that it would be best to quit before things went any further even though we fundamentally disagree about a topic that's important to both of us. So then, it would seem reasonable that when I was with people who I know and who agree with me on this topic that I should be able to use the same self-control. But somehow when the situation seemed more supportive I used less self-control instead and blew my top without respecting the ones around me. Maybe it feels awkward or corny to pause a conversation to ask if it would be OK to blow some steam right now. Maybe I was afraid that it would not be OK and I didn't know if I could deal with the pressure that had built up in my mind and body about this issue. Maybe I was being selfish. Maybe I didn't expect the amount of steam that needed to blow and took myself by surprise as well as the ones around me.

One way or another, next time I hope to have the respect for others and for God's work among us to check before I pull the pressure release valve. I hope that the people who I check with feel able to say either yes or no based on how they are doing. Sometimes we're not able to support someone who is blowing steam and other times we are. If our own head is in balance it can be a great service to a friend and oddly entertaining to listen to someone blowing steam as long as you don't feel like you need to add it to your own pressure tank. It can be very helpful for our relationships with people with whom we disagree to come back to the discussion without a whole tank of built-up pressure from the last time we raised the difficult issue. But I need to remember to treat people with whom I agree with the same respect as those with whom I disagree. I can do that by establishing and sticking to some guidelines and boundaries about when, where, and how to blow steam.

When was the last time you really blew your top to somebody other than the person you disagreed with? Was it helpful? Did you ask first? Does that person sometimes get to blow steam to you or does the connection go only in one direction?

When was the last time that somebody you know blew steam to you about a situation that was difficult for them that you are not otherwise involved in? Could you have gotten out of it or delayed until a better time and place if you needed to? Did you feel like you needed to act on what they said or could you let it go? Did their venting increase your own internal pressure or could it just blow off into the air?